Halfassedowe-en


Please share links to your equally halfassed squash carving and decorating skills in the comments.

My mom got me a pumpkin while she and dad were visiting last week. To make a Jack-o-Lantern. I wasn't going to bother but then when I got home last night and the pumpkin is all sitting there sad and uncarved I felt kinda sorry for it.

Pumpkins are a bit pointless. In fact Hallowe'en as the drunken commercial candy coma evening we know today was probably perpetrated solely by the pumpkin manufacturers of North America to shill their unwieldy and tasteless squash. Without it pumpkins would have become extinct centuries ago. The same would have happened to broccoli if it had not been "discovered" to "help prevent cancer".

Pumpkins do not prevent cancer. The only thing that pumpkins prevent is a good night's sleep due to the guilt you feel for not making a jack-0-lantern with the one your mom bought you because really she would like to think you are still ten years old and all the things that are wrong with you can still be fixed.

The thing about carving a pumpkin is that when you are done all the things that are wrong with it are there to stay. Especially if you use permanent marker to draw on it and then change your mind and actually carve it some other how.

Suddenly feelings of failure loom. If only you had thought more about it. Planned. Bought the Right Tools. If only. It could have been something like you get on all the techie pop culture web sites this time of year with the pumpkin carving art.

Do not be decieved. These people are nerds.

Do not be sad that your pumpkin does not achieve this standard which is only accomplished with massive amounts of effort, planning, and time spent not leaving the house or interacting with other human beings.
My pumpkin falls short of just about every standard there is. Even the It's Crap standard. Even I was surprised at the sheer and monumentally pathetic half-assedness of it.

But then stick a cheap scented candle in it and cut the lights...

Beautiful.

Pumpkins as a metaphor for life. We are all useless and pointless organic matter. We get beat up and have holes poked in us. But then someone comes along and cuts off the top of your head, stuffs a light inside it, and you rampage through the country side devouring bunnies and small children.

The circle of life is complete.

Only Happy When It Rains Cross Stitch Chart

You can take the girl out of Vancouver but you can't take Vancouver out of the girl. Born and raised on the west coast of Canada I get my snail rain loving tendencies from that climate. Don't get me wrong though. I love being out in the sunshine too but there are some days that I wake up and long for those wet and ragged skies of my childhood. And this kind of what this chart is about. There was a day last week when the tail-end of a hurricane hit my locality and I breathed in pure nostalgia.

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Kawaii Candy Corn Cross Stitch Cat for Hallowe'en

Hey folks. Not much to say today. Here is a free cross stitch chart for you in time for Hallowe'en. Or is it Halloween now? Not sure. It's a cute kawaii candy corn cat.

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Muthafuckingoddamnsexyrussian SPACE GECKOs

Germany Invades. JFK Shot. Berlin Wall Falls. Anna Nicole Found Dead. All headlines from simpler times. Today there was a headline in the news that truly is one for OUR times: Russian Sex Geckos Die in Orbit.

This needed a cross stitch chart.

Mother fucking sexy space geckos. Thank you Russia for crazy ass horny zero G lizards. It fills me with such joy to think that, after a rigorous selection process, grueling months of training, and a course in sensual massage, GECKOs were shot into space to sex it up in orbit. And it fills me with such sadness that these little pioneers of space sex did not make it back to Earth alive. We can take comfort in the fact that they must have had a WHALE of a time before snuffing it.

Godspeed little geckos! You go before us and we salute your sacrifice for science.







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Everyone Loves Wasabi! And Wasabi Loves Sashimi! It's a Match Made in Heaven Sushi Cross Stitch Chart

Wasabi and Sashimi are a match made in heaven. As this kawaii cross stitch chart demonstrates. Maybe you know someone who loves sushi who would love to have this stitched for them. Or maybe you and your squeeze are as adorably compatible as these two funky foodstuffs.

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Snail Away with Me! To Snails Sailing in a Cross Stitch Sailboat

If you have ever clicked around this site you may have noticed that there are a couple of motifs that come up more often than others in the cross stitch charts: Coffee and Snails.

I have always said that the Snail is my power animal but never really explained why. And I don't know if it is possible to articulate it.

I am a soft sensitive introvert who has found it necessary to have built up a very hard shell over a long time. But I do enjoy coming out of my shell now and then. To yell at people. For kisses. To dance in the rain. I love the rain. If it goes too long without raining I get a bit dry and sticky and miserable.

I love salad. And beer! And I have absolutely no problem at all with going into my shell and staying in there with just myself for long periods of time.

There was recently this experiment done about how people handled being on their own. They stuck individuals in a room with NOTHING except for a little electric probe thingy that would give them a mild electric shock. They timed how long it took before a person CHOSE to shock themselves to stave off boredom. The best time was like 5 minutes.

Pussies. In the study of human VS solitude I am a marathoner.

This is why I find my day job so exhausting to the point that I am totally drained of all creative energy. I have to be with and talk to and yell at and help and coach and be nice to PEOPLE all day long.

So here is a cross stitch chart of two snails sailing away from it all.




This is a really simple chart that would be good for a beginner. Lots of big blocks of solid colours. It would make a cute little pillow or pin cushion if it were done as tapestry or needlepoint as well!

Right click and Save As on the image below to get the full chart!



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Pickles are SO Rood! So Here is a Cross Stitch Chart of One. Being Rood.

Thanks to everyone on the facebook page for leaving your suggestions for what the next free cross stitch chart should be. I was intrigued by a request for Pickles. Which are quite a rood food if you ask me. If you ask anyone else they will have no idea what you are talking about and think you are insane.

Here is a rood pickle being rood. Again, if you ask me, there are endless applications and situations for which this cross stitch is perfectly appropriate. A nudist's kitchen for example. A post vasectomy celebration. Birthday present for a canning enthusiast. Sexy, tangy times people. Mmmm hmmm! Sexy, tangy, times.





Right click and Save As on the image below to get the chart. I haven't included a colour key because there are only a few and you can pick your favourites.




If you like my cross stitch charts please help support me on etsy

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